All the whiteness I could find in town

First, I need to correct what I wrote last week. Having now seen a throat specialist, it's so obvious: the problem is in the stomach (esophagus) not throat or vocal chords (nor thyroid). What a relief! There is medication available, and dietary adjustments help. Just had not thought of it: never had heartburn i.e. never recognised any.

And then on to an even more current theme. As we Finns celebrate Christmas already on Christmas Eve, it's about time to wish Merry Christmas to everyone!

Unlike most Christmases in my life, this one is not white at all. It feels somber, knowing this is not normal in Finland. Only an artificial ice rink will survive in this warmed-up place these days.

Subacute thyroiditis

Since that cathartic choir experience, I've had it very silent on the singing front. Subacute thyroiditis makes this flu-like condition last for several months. The continuous headache is very frustrating. The good news is, however, that the condition is most likely to return to normal. Some time next year! - Even so, conducting and playing the music are going fine. I've even applied some of the stuff in my client work. Last week, for example, a group of (surprised, then delighted) ministry officials found themselves going through a refreshing voice warm-up in the middle of their controller training. Everyone seemed to enjoy it.

Then there was the TV documentary - filmed way back in August - that was shown on Thursday. A lot of affirming feedback, unexpected contacts and discussion have followed. I'm very pleased that I took on the challenge. What I saw on TV was a poised, bright woman who retained her calm and openness, despite the journalist's critical approach. Well done, Sisko!

Cathartic

Need to experience acceptance? Affirmation and encouragement? Professionalism, discipline, team effort? Then welcome to meet our choir!

This and much more was present in our choir practice on Thursday. I had been asked to help out as deputy conductor. Despite major fear and trembling, I decided to face the challenge. Luckily so, as it ended up as one of the most healing and affirming experiences for ages. My zillion mistakes and other insecurity did not damage the practice! On the contrary - these skilled & disciplined people only concentrated harder and practised the kind of self-leadership that would make any CEOs absolutely jealous. Suddenly I had a French language consultant to polish our pronunciation of Bizet's music, a prima vista correpetitor for the three brand-new arrangements, and a number of experienced singers who would advise the younger members of agreed nuances and other conventions.

My whole being enjoyed the 3-hour practice. "Your commitment and inspiration were contagious", commented one of the alts.

Mahnmal and more

The Holocaust-Mahnmal (Memorial to the murdered jews of Europe) near Brandenburger Tor was just one of the many new sights during this past weekend in Berlin.

The Mahnmal has created controversy as well. To me, it was a was a strong experience and I'm glad we took the time. Yes, one can easily feel lost there. And the increasing height of the heavy concrete blocks can be very impressive as well, reminding one of separation and agony.

There would be many other, more joyful accounts of the trip. But I chose this one (partly because of the picture) and, for now, feel too tired to expand, having just arrived. I need to acclimatise!

First violin, third row

In the middle of an otherwise bleak working day, I experienced something rather significant. I asked a potential client what he thinks of my proposal to facilitate a strategy process for a symphony orchestra. To find out about my own motives and understanding of the subject area, he asked innocently: "What kind of experience have you got regarding symphony orchestras?"

And there I was, encouraged to come out with my history as musician: something almost forgotten yet so precious. It's been many years but it still matters. All those hundreds of rehearsals and concerts matter. And it's all coming together now!

In my elation, I browsed through old albums and found this picture from... um, just a while ago. Like yesterday (year 1983 ;-)

Blessed

I'm experiencing clearly what it means to be blessed.

On the one hand, the week has been really tough... with the return from Taizé Praiseland to Everyday Toils. In my case, it also meant some unexpected financial distress with cancelled client work and an incoming payment being postponed by months.

Yet there have been enormous delights, too, mainly through friends willing to help. Someone paid back an old loan; someone else bought food and drink for our coming together. Another friend gave me a list of potential business partners' names & numbers, and told me to simply introduce myself as "her friend". All of the calls went well! All were willing to discuss business!

This morning some friends were here to celebrate my birthday. We also sang new Taizé songs. It sounded truly beautiful. Surrounded by people who care, I feel very blessed indeed.

Spiritus autem vivificat

Anne, Annemarie, Astrid, Brigitte, Carola, Christian, Clemens, Coco, Cole, David, David, Émile, Eulalia, Finn, Francesco, Franz-Josef, Frédéric, Gabriele, Gerd, Isabel, Jean, Johan, Jona, Julia, Justin, Karl-Joakim, Kevin, Leann, Lee, Lena, Lilian, Lucy, Marijke, Markus, Michael, Paco, Philip, Rosina, Ruben, Sabine, Sebastian, Simon, Simon, Sue, Tracey, Wayne. These are some people I met last week in Taizé. There may have been more, but these are the names I remember. Out of these 46, I'd only met 6 before.

No wonder I felt an enormous relief when Brother Pedro assigned us a 4-hour silence on Friday. This beautiful time of contemplation allowed me to catch my breath, and to see more clearly the seeds of new life already at work within and around me.

391 kg

I had the privilege of attending a harvest weekend in Morbacka. We were 20, mostly young adults and... well, like minded.

When I arrived, this heap of apples, weighing almost 400 kg, was already waiting in front of the main house. Later on, we discussed and practised eco-theology, among other things.

With its many genuine encounters, the weekend was a true blessing to me.

Limited views

I cannot remember when was the last time I had a flu. Last year, perhaps? In any case, today it hit me: sore throat, strange head. All energy is gone.

So this is the view I'm limited to: early autumn birches through the bedroom window.

After an active and rewarding week, it feels allright. It is a beautiful view, after all!

We Swim In A Fog

I woke up to a foggy morning in Heponiemi. The nearby Lake Puujärvi was fully out of sight. Once in the water, visibility was still next to nothing. So still, and calm. Such a beautiful way to wake up!

Back home, I look at the picture again. It inevitably reminds me of the breathtakingly beautiful song We Walk In A Fog (sung by the A Cappella group Rajaton), originally written by the poet Eino Leino.
We walk in a fog that forever surrounds us
and hark to the sounds of the moonlit night.
We tread on the treacherous moss that confounds us
and darkness of dusk human heart does blind.

This fog didn't surround us forever though. It's been a bright day, and I feel absolutely refreshed after the (half-speaking, half-silent) weekend with my retreat friends.

Paradise and beyond

There surely was more of Paradise to come.

However, it wasn't only Happy Hammocking! During my first week in Sweden, helping out in the retreat house kitchen, I found myself struggling even with the simplest household tasks. Not being able to make myself properly understood in Swedish, I ended up feeling slow, useless, stupid. Feelings of inferiority and loneliness attacked me unexpectedly strongly. Why on earth had I come this far to go through all this agony?

In the safety of an accepting community, and having a person to talk to about those akward feelings, the shadow didn't kill me but gradually began to weaken. I was able to live with this incompleteness. What a relief! The last few Sweden days were filled with deep, almost bubbling joy.

One key message from my past holiday month is definitely worth remembering: No Internet, Plenty of Silence was and is absolutely therapeutic! So much more peaceful... stronger presence... ability to receive what each moment, or person I encounter, has to give. The way to go!

Paradise to continue

There's more of Paradise to come!

Last week, my toolset contained scythe, rake and fork. This week, I'll be focusing on the use of violin, songbook and Bible. Then it will be time to move on to the other side of the Baltic, to grab some pots and pans. På svenska.

No Internet. Plenty of silence :-)

Paradise

I had the privilege of experiencing the traditional July Paradise Week in the Morbacka community.

It surely reminded me of what Paradise can be like. There was joy, simplicity and mercy. Adults and children together!

The tangible elements of a Paradise we had this time were e.g. common prayers, sauna and swimming. Gardening work and carpet washing. Abundance of flowers. Cats and dogs. Scythe, rake and fork (rather than the Internet!). And plenty of eating together – wild strawberries, for example.

(not so) idyllic

This is the idylllic Laajasalo Beach, the location where I've spent several enjoyable hours of idleness this week.

To the left of this scene, there's a changing cabin where I left my minor belongings for just a few minutes yesterday afternoon.

Now this is something I should not have done. Either during the quick swim or the even quicker shower, someone unexpectedly pinched my shirt, watch, home keys and some cash.

Lots of nuisance! Disappointment, frustration! Locksmith bills!

But I'm safe, and nobody broke into my home.

Italian concerto

Last night I went to watch football on TV. In my case, the emphasis is really on going as there has not been a TV set in this household since 2001. This, of course, leads to my not watching football, or any other sports for that matter, very often.

I celebrated Italy's success over Germany by playing the Italian Concerto by J.S. Bach. It is so enjoyable - despite the fact that I cannot play the piano (yet)! Bach is godly.

It took me close to an hour to crawl through the whole concerto. On CD, Glenn Gould needs only 13 minutes and 6 seconds for the same piece. There may be other artistic differences as well. Unterschiede müssen ja sein.

Bummer

Riding home from a beautiful Mass with an open, contended mind, my thoughts go back to last week's trial, and the chain of events, and choices that have lead me to some major insecurity. The more I think about it, the heavier my mind gets. Not only are potential clients on holiday - so are also friends who could help me level out. Depression tries to kick in.
A friend, and the dictionary, help me name it: a real bummer, "one that depresses, frustrates, or disappoints".

Otso, Urho & Voima

What have the following got in common: Otso, Urho and Voima (our valiant icebreakers), and myself?

We're all unemployed in the summer.

I have no deeper insight into how Otso, Urho and Voima make it through this time. Looking from the distance though, they seem rather comfortable in their neat sunbathing spots.

To me, they way things turned out means a challenge – and a true privilege as well. I find it quite enjoyable to sit at one of the market place stalls over unhurried coffee and conversation with a friend. Just as it was this morning.

Francis of Assisi

This morning, I got a call from my consultant broker. Since 2nd of June, I've been waiting to meet a client to accomplish a work deal, which was supposed to be just a simple procedure "with my strong credentials, and the growing demand". So I was told... But reality worked out different. First, my broker's client was on holiday. And when (s)he finally came back, their client (i.e. the owner of my potential project) just left for holiday. So we cannot meet, negotiate, agree, or anything else until August when they're back, and I'm back. This is Finland, the Promised Land of Long Summer Holidays!

The deal was/is about a major job from August to November or so. And my livelihood.

A friend from a Christian magazine calls. "I'm writing on Slowness, and thought about your life choices, and efforts to find a slower rhythm of life. Has it been successful?" - Yes. It has been successful. Thanks for asking!

Then, without any hesitation, I tell her about Francis of Assisi, whose thoughts I've been reading lately in Richard Rohr's excellent book Hope Against Darkness. When asked by a brother "what is joy?" Francis used a story to illustrate. "When we come... soaked by the rain and frozen by the cold, all soiled with mud and suffering from hunger, and we ring at the gate of our friary... and if we continue to knock and the porter comes out and drives us away with curses and hard blows and if we bear it patiently and take the insults with joy and love in our hearts... That is perfect joy!"

White night biking

My home town is beautiful! A bike ride from town at 11 P.M. means pure enjoyment. The streets are empty (so you can ride fast) and it's not so hot as in the daytime. The fact that it is still light – the two pictures were taken at 11 – can be misleading though as one wants to hang out very late and easily forgets about sleep.

I spent the evening at one of my friend's. Besides being a truly thoughtful and kind hearted person, she is also an excellent cook. Every time I visit her, I'm amazed at her Finnish-Italian cuisine. This time, I had the chance to learn some of those dishes myself: home-made cheese and gnocchi ai zucchini. Lactose free.

Anybody noticed the change in Language Policy? Well, I did. After some reflection, I reckon that a) writing bilingual is time consuming and b) the right place for Finnish, the language of my heart, is still in the old-fashioned diary – not to be shared with the world. "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."

Pianonsoittoa ja blogifilosofiaa

Pyöräilin itä-Helsingin rantoja myöten ja piipahdin isosiskollakin. Mukaan tarttui pianonuotteja; näin käy, kun ryhtyy opiskelemaan kuoronjohtoa! Kuoronjohdon peruskurssin katselmuksessa Klemetti-opistolla pari viikkoa sitten pärjäsin hienosti musikaalisuutta vaativissa tehtävissä, mutta pianon prima vista tökki odotetusti. "Hommaa nuotinlukurutiini, soita vanha koraalikirja läpi, opettele myös bluffaamaan", kuului opettajan ohjeistus minulle. Harjoitukset ovat alkaneet: soitin juuri pari sivua 376-sivuisesta koraalikirjajärkäleestä.
Juttelin vielä elämää ymmärtävän isosiskon kanssa bloggauksen herättämistä ajatuksista. Huomasimme yhdessä kammoavamme sitä, että blogin kautta lähtisin selittämään elämääni, ajatuksiani taikka edesottamuksiani "...että etäännyttäisin itseni selittelyillä elämän ja ihmisten aidosta kohtaamisesta"! Näin ajattelen edelleen. Samoin mietin, mitä tekisin, jos blogin kommentit alkaisivat elää omaa villiä elämäänsä... Ei, semmoiseen en tähtää. Elämäni tapahtuu ensisijaisesti siellä, missä kokonaisena fyysisesti olentona läsnä. Joo, olen vanhanaikainen!

Made a bike ride along our seashores. Met my big sister; borrowed some of her piano notes. Piano practice is a big theme for me, having recently begun my choral conducting studies. During the first course week earlier this month, I did quite well in areas which require musical talent and will. However, my piano score reading routine was absolutely poor. But it is improving now, day by day, thanks to persistent workouts.
My sister and I also ended up talking about blogging. The idea of justifying my life and my undertakings through the blog appeared rather dreadful to us both: "... alienating myself from encountering human beings and this life as they come"! This is definitely not what I want. Nor am I envisioning lengthy comment chains having a life of their own. No thanks! My life takes place primarily where I'm present as a physical being. Out-of-date thinking?

Juhannus / Midsummer

Tämä päivä alkoi isin ja äidin mökillä. Herätin itseni aamu-uinnilla Kuhanen-nimisessä järvessä. Ihanaa! Kuvassa näkyy uimaseurani Aino, itseänikin innokkaampi vesipeto.
Juhannus on minulle edelleen "vaikea" juhla - vähän niin kuin uusi vuosi ja vappukin. En oikein tiedä, miten tai edes miksi sitä pitäisi juhlia. Jotenkin siitä kuitenkin aina selviän, pakkojuhlintaan sortumatta. Tällä kertaa se sujui lopulta aika rakentavasti. Halusin tavata vanhempiani ja tiesin myös heidän haluavan tavata minua. Juoneen liittyi viime metreillä isosisko perheineen. Lopputulos oli siis lähes spontaani sukutapaaminen.
Eilisestä jäi mieleen yksi mukamas pieni juttu, joka selvästikään ei sitten ollut niin pieni. Matkalla mökköselle (isin ja äidin antama diminutiivi-kutsumanimi pikkuruiselle mökilleen) päädyin bensa-vessa-tauon yhteydessä, tasan hetken herätteestä, ostamaan itselleni T-paidan. Vähäks mä oon ihana oli itsestään selvä valinta. Huomaan mieltyneeni sanomaan suuresti!

Began the day with an enjoyable swim in a lake called Kuhanen - which, as we all know, is the diminutive of pike-pearch in Finnish. Celebrating Juhannus, "the most harmonious of Finland's public holidays", has often been a challenge for me - don't quite know what to celebrate and how. Nobody seems to care about John the Baptist, who originally gave his name to this day! Anyhow, the final outcome was quite beautiful this year: ended up at my parents summer cottage in Mäntyharju. My sister's family came along, too. Even if the family idyll is far from perfect, there is plenty of warmth and caring between us. I love my old Mom and Dad very much.
On the way to the cottage, I spontaneously bought this T shirt with a Message on it. Somewhat lovely, aren't I is one attempt to translate it. Not going into any in-depth analyses on (wobbly?) self esteem, assertion or the like... The text puts you in a good mood, doesn't it?

Juhannusaatto / Midsummer's Eve

Tänään, juhannusaattoaamuna, loin lopulta itselleni blogin, kuukausikaupalla ideaa ensin hauduteltuani. Oikeasti koen tämän asian, julkisen kirjoittamisen siis, jokseenkin isona juttuna. Mitä kirjoitan, kenelle, miksi? Missä menee rajat? Ketä kiinnostaa? Arvelen, että tässäkin pätee tuttu totuus: asia selviää vain kokeilemalla. Matkan ensi askel on otettu! Muusta en nyt murehdi. Enempään en tänään ryhdy: hetken päästä nostan kytkintä kohti Mäntyharjua.
Paitsi että onhan tässä tämä kielikysymys... Moneen kertaan jo todettuna: suomi on sydämeni kieli. Ja toisaalta: kaikki ystäväni eivät osaa suomea. (Voi jummi jammi ;-)

Today, on Midsummer's Eve morning, I created my first blog - having thought about blogging for quite some time already. To me, the idea of blogging raises a lot of questions. What am I going to write, to whom, why? Where do I draw the line? Who cares anyway? I believe I can only find it out by trying. Taken the first step already! And that's all that matters for now. Soon I'll be heading towards Midsummer celebration at a cottage.
As you can see, I also decided to handle the Language Issue in this rather old-fashioned style. Cannot change the fact that some of my friends still haven't learnt Finnish ;-)